The ornaments

Tonight has been hard... harder than most. David basically did something that really hit hard and he honestly had no comprehension of what was going on, what he did, why it was wrong, why he was in trouble, why Mommy was crying, etc., etc. ... In all reality it really wasn't anything big. It basically involved him getting into some paint and the ornaments we were supposed to get to do together and did them all himself, ruining the carpet and my paint brushes in the process...

When I first tried to set things up for us to paint together (something we've only been able to do one other time back in June...) he suddenly saw a toy car that had been lost for a while and all of a sudden I and our project no longer mattered. Keep in mind that this whole idea to paint something together was initiated by him. It's the only way I am allowed into his world long enough to share such a precious moment anymore... All his previous excitement and anticipation just transferred to the car though once it entered the picture. I figured I needed to get the dishes done anyway though so I went ahead and just went with it and let him play with his cars while I did the dishes thinking we could go back to the painting afterwards. Well then all he wanted to do was make me sit down with him with a movie so he could cuddle. When he fell asleep, so did I and I thought it felt like a little piece of Heaven you know? Just me and him (Joshua was already asleep) and everything was peaceful and loving and close...

Then I woke up to hearing some sounds in the back hallway/rooms and was trying to figure out what was going on. The room was dark now but I could feel that David was still curled up in my arms so I was trying to figure out if that meant I was hearing Joshua then or if something was getting ready to fall down or whatever. I finally decided it must be Joshua so I sat up a little bit and leaned down to kiss David's forhead only to find out it wasn't him. It was Josh. David had slipped out and at some point Josh took his place.

So I moved Joshua to the chair and went to go see what David was getting into this time and there it was... paint everywhere, ornaments covered, paintbrushes ruined, David with paint all over his hands and shirt.... All I could do was start crying... I must have left the door open for him to have been able to get in there but still... this was supposed to be my chance to have a special moment with my son again and he stole that from me. I couldn't even enjoy his designs on the ornaments because all I could think of was how that was supposed to be something we did together. We get so little of that anymore, I was seriously looking forward to it you know?

Well, long story short, I went through all sorts of emotions, tears, shock, silence, anger, frusteration, bewilderment, hate, grief... and through it all David didn't understand a thing. Not one stupid thing. Not even one... *crying* I HATE AUTISM! He couldn't even understand me or what I was trying to tell him afterwards as I just held him close and hugged him. His brother at one point came in and said "cookie?" before I sent him back into the living room to watch his movie and all David could do after that was say "cookie" and "hugs" (I was saying hugs over and over to try and keep him focused). Absolutely no comprehension, no understanding, no real communication. Nothing... Just a happily confused little boy that was behaving with the social realization of a 1 year old and the physical behaviour of a 2 year old, calling his mommy "cookie" while he rubbed on her head and smacked her back in response to her requests for hugs...

I want my little boy back... days like this make it so hard to like autism at all...
I know not all the days are like this... but this hurts... I want my little boy back so bad... Things didn't use to be this bad you know. Before he had his first regression just under the age of 1, he was so social. He communicated with amazing skill beyond his actual age, he understood just about everything anyone said to him, and shared moments of special activities were the norm vs such a hard to come by rarity...

This hurts so bad... Does this ever get easier to come to grips with?